I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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