I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
