Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
