I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
