I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I puked a lego.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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