ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This house was built for laser tag.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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