I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
