grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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