No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
