Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
