All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's never too late to be topless.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
