Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
