Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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