There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
