Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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