She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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