Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there's paper in my vomit.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
