and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
