I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
