i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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