I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
