i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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