Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
