Your dad touched me again.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
