Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
