you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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