I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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