my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
