I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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