mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
