If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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