I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we're making bets on your personal life
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
