she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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