Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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