His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
