shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
