advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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