I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
