I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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