why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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