Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
