I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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