im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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