dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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