We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
