A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
