We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
