I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
