My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
