He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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