I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
