You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
