nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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