I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
